I want to share some of my journey thus far with Jai Medina, my partner, and shamanic energy work teacher. I’d like to offer some of what I’ve learned about myself on the way of exploring this tradition and this energywork path.
When I began this phase of my journey 3 years ago with Jai, I didn’t feel confidence that I was on my path. In many ways my life was great, I had friends and community and work that I enjoyed. I was doing some good work on myself and was growing, but it was slow and I was pretty stuck in some old unhealthy patterns and behaviors. I see now how subconsciously I was resistant to perceiving and following my intuitive and spirit guidance, and thus my energy was scattered, my power was fragmented, and my purpose or path was unclear.
One of the things that immediately struck me about Jai was their assurance of their sense of place and purpose in their life. I knew somehow that they were operating with an unusual amount of faith, and thus where “all in” in their life in a way I hadn’t seen before. From that place, I felt them seeing me in a way I had never felt seen. They were able, in that first meeting, to see the ways I was “all in,” and the places I held back. That was the moment for me when everything changed. I started to see those places too, and started to look at the stories, values and principles (or lack thereof) that I was living under and to take more responsibility for becoming the person I wanted to be, a person of consciousness and integrity, while figuring how to be “all in” myself. That was only a few years ago and it has been an amazing and rewarding journey so far.
In these past few years, I have started my own business, started seeing clients, and having events and workshops regularly. I have been nourished by a steady job and relationship longer than at any other time in my life, and Jai and I are looking forward to welcoming our child into the world in a few months. This tradition has helped me in becoming a more independent being, because I see now that I needed to first be truly independent before I could be interdependent or in real reciprocity, kinship or aya’a with others. All the practices we use in the tradition, such as shielding, cord-cutting and connecting with my spirit and ancestral allies are all helping me every day to rapidly build my confidence, strengthen my character, and clarify my vision, so that I can show up ready to offer my unique gifts and receive the gifts of others.
As I’ve begun to understand this concept of aya’a or kinship, I’ve been able to lean into this community of support and care around me both of human and non human beings. This has helped me drop into the amazingly, big, powerful, simple, incredibly complex and beautiful work of understanding what is right for me and staying “all in!” The first step for me has been noticing the places where I have ambivalence, where I am not “all in.” Just noticing, before asking the question “why?” Then I ask myself: “Am I just being resistant to doing something that I know is good for me, that I have decided and committed to, or is this something in my life that is no longer serving me? A relationship? Job? Or activity?” For me it has been all of the above. I have had some relationships that I needed to create distance from or end altogether. I’ve had some ongoing addictive behaviors that I’ve had to rein in and end. All of these patterns or bad habits were places I was resistant to or defensive about taking responsibility for my life and wielding true power.
Doing this work has taught me that any area of my life where I am holding on to ambivalence, doubt, uncertainty or resistance is not going to go well. I will suffer and the people around me, who rely on me, will suffer. This doesn’t mean that it’s bad to experience doubt and fear. Of course not, but to understand what those feelings are telling me, I need to give them plenty of time, space, and compassion in order to move through them fully and completely, and not get swayed off course by their lingering. Any place where I notice myself being anything less than “all in,” is a place to step back and ask myself, “What it is that makes me think I don’t deserve all of the wonder and beauty of life? What is keeping me from being “all in” right now?” I wonder if you ever ask yourself these questions, too?
Thank you for reading. It was helpful for me to take this opportunity to write and reflect and I hope it provided some value for you as well! I’m excited to share more and hear more of your stories as we continue this journey together.
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